A Wheelie Good Chat

41. You Are Not a Burden

• Sam Cole

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The new year can sparkle and still hurt. In this episode, I talk about loneliness during festive disruption, moving to person-led support, and unlearning internalised ableism shaped by growing up with a disability in a world that expects you to be “low maintenance.”

I share my intentions for 2026 and why taking up space, asking for help, and not apologising for existing matters.

If you’ve ever felt invisible in a season that promises connection, you’re not alone.

Thanks so much for listening to A Wheelie Good Chat! Your support means the world.

Follow along on Instagram: @awheeliegoodchat | @sam.bamalama

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Sam:

I wanna start this episode of A Wheelie Good Chat by acknowledging that I'm recording on Whadjuk Noongar country. I pay my respects to the elders past, present, and emerging. Always was. Always will be Aboriginal land. I'm your host, Sam Cole, and this is A Wheelie Good Chat where I get real about life with a disability and everything in between. Yes, even the not so PG stuff. I live with a condition called dystonia and I started this podcast to break stigma. And share the things we as a society don't talk enough about.   Hey everyone, and happy 2026. It sounds crazy to me that it's 2026. I still cannot fathom that we're in this year. I'm sure most people feel the same. When I was in my teenagers 2026 was so far away. And also I feel like 2030, which is only four years away, used to be in songs in a year, 2030. But anyway that's a chat for another day, isn't it? But yeah, I hope we're all going well today and I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, New Year and celebrated how ever you wanna celebrate it. That's the really important thing. My Christmas and New Year was very quiet, actually, which is sometimes nice, sometimes love to be surrounded by people. It was nice to have a quiet one every once in a while kind of thing. Moving on to today's episode. This episode feels very vulnerable to record if I'm being completely honest. I do have some I guess some butterflies so to speak, in, in my stomach. When I have previously mentored students at Lifeline, I would always say that if you are feeling nervous, that's obviously meaning that you want do a good job and you wanna put your best foot forward and that you care about what you're doing. So that's what I always say to the students that I had, that it just shows how much you care for what you're doing. Yeah. So that's just something important that I like to say when someone's feeling a little bit nervous about something that they're doing or whatever it is there's a realm of reasons why someone can feel nervous. I thought that it's always it's good to remind people that the nerves are just, the body saying something . But yeah. So back onto this episode. Yes, we digress, but we are back. So this episode today is one that I've been sitting with for a while, especially coming out of the Christmas and New Year period. So I generally like to think of myself as a reasonably optimistic person. I try to see the good in people, situations, but if I'm being really honest, this time of the year often brings up a feeling that I don't wanna talk much about and that is feeling forgotten. This isn't about blaming anyone. It's about naming a feeling that's being very real for me, and I know I'm not alone in it. So Christmas and New Year are meant to be about connection, plans, catchups, family celebrations just being together with the people that you wanna spend the festive period with wrapping up the year. When I think of Christmas, when I think of New Year you wanna bring it in with the people who you love, who you wanna, reflect on the year with that kind of thing. But when you're someone who doesn't get invited to things very often that contrast becomes really loud. I hardly ever get invited to things, and that's hard for me to even say out loud. Not because it isn't true, but because I don't wanna sound like I'm complaining or ungrateful, This is something that I often go through in my mind with these thoughts about feeling forgotten and it's very real for me and it's something that I battle with this time of the very regularly. And I wanna emphasise I love my friends, I love my girls. They have their own lives, their families, their own responsibilities. I absolutely understand that, but two things can be true at the same time. I can understand it and I can still feel hurt by it and I don't wanna sound like I'm talking negatively about anyone. But I'm just trying to be honest and I guess show the reality of what I experience around this time of the year. So yeah, there's a lot of guilt in that. I should just be grateful and move on. But gratitude doesn't cancel out loneliness. So another layer to this time of the year, especially for people with a disability, is how many supports and routines shut down. Agency closing services, pause and the structure disappears. But even though I am no longer with an agency, thankfully the disruption still affects me. Routine is regulating support is stabilising. And when that disappears, loneliness tends to get louder. It's not just logistical, it's emotional. And for me, that's one of the reasons why I stop with an agency, which I've think I've spoken about in an episode, early episode was just because. It was the hours with an agency is very nine to five. They might make small exemptions. But when I was with an agency. There was no weekend support. There was no evening support. It was very much during the day, which I feel. Isn't very inclusive of I guess normality in air quotes. Because some people might wanna do evening, head out for some drinks. That's why I really do appreciate and love my girls because the flexibility is there. And if I wanna go out, I just message them and say, oh, are you free tomorrow? It's not like I have to go through the manager and ask them. It's like messaging a friend are you free, kind of thing. And that's something that right now I'm really happy that I'm not with an agency. Maybe further down the road may, need to go to an agency. But right now it's much more suited to my lifestyle and, what I need from, my supports. As I've been reflecting on all of this, I've realised that these feelings don't come out of nowhere. A lot of this is tied to internalised ableism, And for me, that started with growing up, without being surrounded by other people with disabilities, I didn't see myself reflecting anywhere. I learned how to exist in spaces that weren't designed for me by adapting, accommodating, and trying not to take up too much space. I didn't know anyone growing up with a disability. I was very much a person with a disability growing up in an able bodied world with able bodied friends. I am not saying just because I had able-bodied friends growing up that is the reason why but I didn't see, I didn't know anyone. As a little kid or even a young teenager, I just saw them, or I guess presumed that they were just in home not being able to communicate just the real basic stuff, which I'm embarrassed to acknowledge that's how I saw people with a disability. I guess growing up I never felt like I had a disability, which is so nice to say. But it is this side of it that you The new year can sparkle and still hurt. In this episode, I talk about loneliness during festive disruption, moving to person-led support, and unlearning internalised ableism shaped by growing up with a disability in a world that expects you to be “low maintenance.” I share my intentions for 2026 and why taking up space, asking for help, and not apologising for existing matters. If you’ve ever felt invisible in a season that promises connection, you’re not alone. really quiet messages. Don't draw attention to your needs. Don't make things harder for other people. Don't take up too much space. I just wanna emphasise no one explicitly says those things, but you feel them, and over time they turn inwards. Something else I've realised is my fear of being a burden is really, strong. It's probably something I will be forever working through. And this feeling doesn't exist on its own. It's deeply tied to a fear of being abandoned. I have really clear memories from my childhood of not being played with or being left out or feeling like I didn't quite fit in. So this memory that I'm thinking of was when I was, I feel like I was just out of hospital, so I was in a wheelchair and mum was umpiring netball, I was sitting on alongside the netball court. And I remember my friends running over to see me and then they ran off. And that was really hard because they were saying to their parents, they're like, we are gonna go over to the fair and play some games. And being that it was the country, everyone kind of knew everyone, so it wasn't like dangerous or anything like that. And I remember them just running off and not even turning back to, to see if I wanted to come. In fairness, we were 10 years old, so I guess pushing a wheelchair at the age may have been difficult, but they didn't even offer if I wanted to come. So that was really hard to have to understand that as a 10-year-old. Mum's friend could see how hurt I was and she took me across to the rides and got a show bag and that kind of thing. So when mum's friend took me over, that was great. And I really appreciated her taking the time to take me over because she could see how upsetting that was for me. So things like that really stick with someone, even if it wasn't intentional from the few girls that came over then ran away. I have no doubt it wasn't intentional. But as a 10-year-old you just see that as. They forgot you. They don't wanna hang out with you. You can't really understand that they would need to push a chair or that maybe an adult would need to come with us. And that's just cramping our style. Yeah so, things like that truly affected me. Sorry, not affect me, but hang on in some way. And so I guess at the time, I didn't have language for it, but those memories leave an imprint. They teach you things like if I'm different, I might be excluded. If I'm too much, people might leave. Those belief don't disappear. As you grow up, they shape how you move through relationships. I am sure we all have experienced things as a kid that as adults we're like, oh, maybe if I spoke up or said something, maybe you might have helped the situation and helped how I feel about it. And so as an adult, that fear still shows up just in quieter, more complicated ways. Recently, someone who probably should have been a more prominent person in my life made the decision not to be a part of it anymore. Outwardly I tell myself and others that I'm fine and that it's their loss kind of thing, but if I'm being honest, there's a part of me that doesn't want to fully acknowledge how much it has hurt because acknowledging it feels like reopening an old wound. One that says, see this keeps happening. Sometimes I minimise my hurt because it feels safer. I don't need too much. If I don't expect too much. Maybe I won't be left. It's all this self doubt that really creep in when you are in this, these feelings of abandonment. I also use self deprecating humour to protect myself, which I'm sure most of us do in some way. I do it quite a lot. Of course, I can't think of an example, but I probably do it daily, to be honest with you. I'm gonna try to be more mindful of not using self deprecating humour. It's not nice, every now and then sure crack joke about myself, but when it's quite regularly, probably need to stop that. This is where the fear of being a burden really lives for me. That thought is almost always in the back of my mind, even when people reassure me that I'm not, it shows that when I apologise before asking for anything, when I downplay what I need, when I say it's fine, when it's not. I'm more aware of it now. I catch myself mid-sentence sometimes and think, why am I apologising right now? That awareness is new. I don't always get it right, but noticing it matters. And that is all I can ask of myself is recognising it and just catching myself out. I'm not gonna be perfect, all the time. I may slip up and still over apologise for something, but I need to remember that I'm not a burden. And so for a long time I thought I was being polite or easygoing, but I've learned a lot of my people pleasing was about survival. If I was low maintenance, I felt safer. If I didn't need much, I felt more worthy of inclusion. And I've really changed my mind about the idea that people with disability need to be inspirational. I don't wanna be positivity to be the price of belonging. Sometimes that pressure actually silences how hard things are. And so, recognising internalised ableism. Isn't about blaming myself. It's about understanding why I felt this way and giving myself permission to unlearn it. I'm learning that I don't need to earn care. I don't need to minimise myself. I don't need to be endlessly grateful to deserve connection. Two things can be true at the same time, I can be grateful and still feel lonely. I can love people and still want more connection. If you're listening to this and you've felt forgotten, invisible, or like a burden. Especially during this time of the year, I want you to know you're not failing. You're responding to a world that wasn't built with you in mind. You don't need to be inspirational, easy, or low maintenance to deserve belonging. You're allowed to take up space. Even when it feels uncomfortable. And with all that in mind I think that was something really important for me to start off the first episode for 2026 because we are not burdens for just living our life and I feel the things I discussed can be for anyone really, if you see a PT, they may have shut down, had a break over the Christmas New Year period. And for some people that might be really difficult, to have that break. So what I'm trying to say is that even though that this is a disability podcast and I'm trying to break stigma and normalise conversation around disability, I feel that that these topics can be related. I do hope that these topics can be useful for anyone. I'm confident in saying that there will be able bodied people who can definitely relate to feelings of abandonment, feel like a burden and always people pleasing. So I am definitely not saying that just because you are able bodied that this topic can't be related to you because absolutely not. It's very relevant to, to everyone. And I hope that these episodes can be adapted or taken into your life. And then you'll become conscious of it or maybe with friends. Like you might notice a friend who's saying sorry a lot and you might just send them this podcast. No, just joking. You might talk to them about it and just check in with them and just reassure them that they're not a burden and that you are not leaving them or whatever it may be. Yeah, so just reassuring your friends or if they've made comments or maybe suggested that they feel like they're too much or a burden or maybe people pleasing qualities. It's important to just reassure them that they're not all if they are. But yeah, to finish off this episode, if you are into setting goals for your year. Not everyone is into this kind of thing. Not everyone has to do it. But I thought I would run through what I've created. I've got 10 subheadings that would like to achieve. So I've got travel, body and mind, books, podcasts, social media, employment, brand work, relationships, purchases. And then I've got my main goal for 2026. I won't go through them all 'cause some of them are pretty, private and I don't wanna, I guess I don't wanna say jinx it, but I guess jeopardise the outcome. Body and mind. I've got increase my sessions with my PT who's Helen, and I've also got get the abs. Travel more trips away. I would love to go over to Europe this year. For books I've got read slash listen to, six books because I really do love reading like when I find a good book I'm fully invested in it. I'm actually reading one at the moment which I really recommend. I haven't finished it. It's called The Wedding People, and I think it came out 2024. It's so good, honestly. I'm listening to it as an audiobook years ago I listened to an audiobook and that was like a no from me because it was really difficult to listen to the voice of the person who was reading. I think because that one was an autobiography and this one is Fuck. Oops hey Siri, is fiction real or not real? Okay. Yes. And I think because this book is fiction they've got, got a good voice to listen to. They don't have a monotone voice and they're really good at creating different characters with her voice. Yeah. So that one is really good. I haven't finished it, but, already tell it's a must read. So under purchases, I've got save the money that I would've spent on a particular item, and then at the end of the month, if I still want it, I can get it. Like I feel like I'm good at saving, to a point, but being at the age where I'm like, if I want it, I'll just get it. I've got a few podcast goals on here, but one of them is to have guests with lived experience on the podcast. That would absolutely be incredible because there may be areas that I'm missing, things that I'm talking about that aren't relevant to other people who have different disabilities. If you are someone with a disability and you would like to be on my podcast, I would absolutely love to hear from you. Yeah, so send me a DM on A Wheelie Good Chat Instagram page, or you can reach out to me via my Instagram, which is in the show notes. yeah, I would love to hear from anyone who's got lived experience, who lives in a world that isn't designed for people who don't fit the able bodied mold. I would absolutely love to hear from you or you might know someone who would be great on this podcast. I feel like this is a good place to stop for this episode, the first one of 2026 and, you're gonna be hearing more from me this year. Thanks so much for listening to this first episode of 2026 But until a next time, guys. Take care. Bye. And that's it for today's ride. Thanks for rolling with me. Make sure you're following A Wheelie Good Chat on Instagram for all the latest updates. And if you're loving the chat, don't forget to follow the podcast on your favourite streaming platform. Stay safe, everyone. I'll catch you next time.

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Sam Cole

Host