44. It’s Not the Comment. It’s the Assumption

Two stories. Two completely different situations. One underlying assumption.

Through voice recordings from two of my beautiful friends, Anya and Asha,  revisit moments we’ve experienced together that reveal how disability is often viewed through assumptions rather than reality. From people speaking to someone else instead of me, to assuming friendship is an act of charity, we unpack what these moments really say and why the assumptions underneath them matter far more than the comments themselves.

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Transcript

Acknowledgement And Show Setup

Sam 0:00

I want to start this episode of A Wheelie Good Chat by acknowledging that I'm recording on the lands of the Whadjuk people of the Noongar Nation. I pay my respects to the elders past, present, and emerging. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. I'm your host, Sam Cole. And this is A Wheelie Good Chat where I get real about life with a disability and everything in between. Yes, even the not so PG stuff. I live with a condition called dystonia and I started this podcast to break stigma and share the things we as a society don't talk enough about. Hi everyone, and welcome back to another episode. I can't believe this is episode 44. So I am really hoping that this year will be the year that I get to 50. So yeah, stay tuned for that one. But moving on to today's episode. When I first

Comments Are Really Assumptions

Sam 0:56

saw about this episode, I was initially going to talk about some of the comments I received when I'm out with friends, but after hearing from my friends, I realised this episode isn't really about the comments, it's about the assumptions underneath them. I asked a couple of friends to share moments that have stuck with them and what stood out to me was that they both talk about completely different situations, yet they were describing the same thing. So

Anya On Being Addressed Instead

Sam 1:26

my first voice recording is from my beautiful friend, Anya. So here it is.

Anya 1:31

I'm Sam's friend Anya, and there's been a couple of times where we've hung out together and, someone has made a comment based on their assumptions, of someone in a wheelchair, who has a disability. So one time that comes to my mind specifically is on an occasion where we went to the doctors, Sam had an appointment, and when we went to the front, the receptionist, was staring at me. So I specifically put my gaze down, stood off to the side. I tend to do this, well I've learnt this behaviour now to do, based on the fact that people generally will try to speak with me rather than Sam. So I purposefully stood to the side. It's not my appointment, it's Sam's appointment, rolled Sam up to the front, and Sam spoke to the woman and said, I'm here for my appointment. Can't remember specifically what she said, but addressed the lady. And the lady addressed me and stared at me. I then spoke up and said, sorry, no, this appointment is for Sam, not for me. And the lady then looked at Sam and returned to looking at me, and then again addressed me. Sam then voiced, no, this is my appointment. Can you please speak to me? Very respectfully. And in that moment, it was quite, um, I would say quite frustrating. I was frustrated on behalf of Sam, and I could see that she was impacted and, you know, I really felt for her in that moment. And there's been other times that this has happened, and I feel the same way. I feel frustrated and annoyed on her behalf that people just assume that because I'm there with Sam, you know, as a friend. And I've rolled her up to the front I think the assumption must be that if someone's in a wheelchair, that they, lack a sense of autonomy. Or they, I mean, I'm not too sure what people think, right? But I can just see based off of how people have, engaged with us publicly, that it seems to be this assumption, that if someone's in a wheelchair that they, maybe are not, sound of mind or, I don't, really know, to be honest. But yeah, it just seems to be quite, I would say, naive and, and a little bit lacking knowledge that, you know, not everyone in a wheelchair, or people with disabilities, they're, it's very unique and it's individual. And so, in those moments, I feel frustrated on behalf of Sam. I can't imagine how she feels. We've spoken about it a little bit together, but, would love to be able to, advocate more in these moments. and I think this podcast, will be really good at bringing light to how Sam feels and to hear her perspective and to help people know how to effectively and appropriately address people with a disability. and to treat everyone equally and, not discriminate or, um, make assumptions.

Sam 4:31

The thing

The Cost Of Constant Correction

Sam 4:32

that stood out to me wasn't actually the receptionist. It was hearing Anya say she developed strategies because this happens so often. She intentionally stands to the side, avoids eye contact, and makes it obvious she's not the person attending the appointment. Think about that for a moment. My friend has had to learn behaviours to help ensure I'm treated like a person attending my own appointment. Yeah, so I think it's really important to reflect on the fact that the appointment was mine. I introduced myself. I spoke for myself. Yet somehow I still wasn't seen as the person who should be addressed. Because when you laid out like that, it really doesn't make any sense. I wasn't silent. I wasn't the person sitting in the background. I was the person checking in for my appointment and yet the conversation kept being directed somewhere else. I've often wondered what people are actually assuming in those moments. Is it that they see the wheelchair and automatically assume someone else is responsible for me? Is it that they assume I can't communicate for myself? I genuinely don't know. And the more that I think about it, it's actually a baffling thought Baffling is probably not the right word. It's just a very, I guess, almost a very disheartening thought to have that I am checking in for my appointment. I said, hi, I'm Sam Cole. I have an appointment here at whatever time it was, but yet they did not make any eye contact with me, I would just would love to know why. Is it the uncomfortability of making eye contact with someone with a disability? Is it the fact that I have someone with me? So they just assume. What struck me listening back was that Anya sounded more frustrated than I was. When something happens often enough, you almost become conditioned to it. That doesn't mean it's okay. It just means sometimes you're too tired to keep correcting people. There's an emotional labour that comes with constantly having to remind people that you're capable of speaking for yourself. And I definitely have spoken about how it is emotionally exhausting to have to correct people constantly and always kind of, I don't wanna say be on edge, but I guess be mindful of that if I am going somewhere new that I may not be spoken to. It's checking in with myself to make sure I'm prepared for it if it's gonna happen, which, which is absolutely so sad that I have to be prepared if I'm going somewhere new and someone talks to my friend instead of me. I guess I've kind of learnt to be prepared for the worst case scenario when I'm, especially when I'm going somewhere new. It really highlights how much of an issue it is. It really gets me very, very confused as to why, I guess a receptionist would deal with a lot of different people coming and going from the medical centre. The more that I'm thinking about it, and the more that I'm speaking about it, the more it just leaves me absolutely disheartening as to why someone would think that it's okay not to address the person who, initially address you. I don't know, it just does not make any sense to me. But I guess I've lived with it for so many years that, that I don't really think about it. It just becomes, the done thing to address the person who, who addressed you. like I said before, I have definitely become so immune and conditioned to it that I don't really see it as a, I don't see it anymore. It's really, until my friend says something or guess brings it to light. It's just another day in Sam's world really, let's be honest, which is just so sad that I have to I guess, to be hypervigilant all the time is, is exhausting in itself. And like I said, I have a hundred percent addressed this in lots of previous episodes. So Anya's

Introducing Asha’s Public Encounters

Sam 8:42

voice recording was about autonomy about people assuming someone else should speak on my behalf. And the next voice recording is from another one of my beautiful friends, Asha, who was on episode 30, which is called being present but unseen. It's a great, topic of conversation I feel. I guess it's similar to what we're discussing here today. But if you haven't listened to that one, no, go and check it out. But yeah, I'll play the next recording now.

Asha 9:13

There

Religion Pitch And The “Good Person” Line

Asha 9:14

have been countless times where a complete stranger has come up to Sam or said something to me or both of us in public that is just completely incomprehensible. And you know, Sam loves to have a laugh, so we'll often try to make a situation as lighthearted as it can be. Um, for example, the other day we were having a matcha and a man came up to us and was asking if he could sit with us to talk about religion, and we sort of said no. But um, before he left, he made sure to mention that, if Sam started believing in Jesus that he would make her walk again. Which, you know, we can have a laugh about how silly that sounds, but we often like to talk about the implications for what that might look like for someone else. Hearing that Sam is so confident in herself and her identity, but for someone who maybe isn't or is this is a new experience for them, they could be younger. Like there's so many factors in that and you never know what someone's going through. So I think that's something that we reflect on a lot. but there was one instance in particular that really, really stuck with me. I think maybe because it was when Sam and I first started hanging out, was pretty early into us being friends and someone came up to me in public specifically, we were together, but they just didn't acknowledge Sam at all. And they said to me, you are such a good person. And we looked at them and we were like, what? And they were like, yeah, basically implying that I was a really good person for hanging out with Sam. And that being one of the first experiences I'd had with people feeling like they have the right to come up and say things to you like that and then for it to be so, so unkind. I think the message that was conveying to Sam and to anyone else who, would've heard that was you don't have value as a person or as a friend or, or yeah, just as a person in general to exist and have relationships just because you are living with a disability. And I can't imagine hearing things like that when I'm just trying to exist and mind my own business in public. And I think, you know, as I've saying before, Sam is incredibly resilient in dealing with these things. But as such a compassionate person, she's always reflecting on, you know, what this means for other people and people who maybe aren't so confident in standing up for themselves. And I think that's why it's so amazing that she's always the first one to advocate for that and, and to put people in their place and remind them of, of the fact that, you know, words can have a serious impact on, on someone and their life and how they feel about themselves.

When Friendship Gets Treated Like Charity

Sam 11:51

Something Asha touched on was humour, and she's right. We do laugh about a lot of these situations. Sometimes the comments are so bizarre that laughing is the only response you've got. But what I appreciated that she also talked about looking beyond the laugh, because while we might laugh in the moment, there's often an assumption sitting underneath the comment that's worth unpacking. One part of Asha's recording that really stood out to me was when she talked about someone coming up to her and saying, you are such a good person. Directed at Asha. And that's the part that gets me, because on the surface it sounds like a compliment, but when you dig a little deeper, what was actually being said? The implication was that Asha was somehow doing a good deed by spending time with me. That being my friend was an act of kindness rather than simply a friendship. That friendship with me was somehow different. Nobody stops someone in the street and says, you are a good person for being friends with that able-bodied person. The hardest part isn't actually hearing the comment, it's thinking about the message underneath it. The message is that people with a disability should be grateful when people spend time with them. The message is that friendship with people with a disability is charity. The messages that we're somehow less worthy of ordinary relationships. And I can actually remember hearing these comments quite a number of times if I'm being completely honest. And when I first hear them, I'm kind of caught off guard because obviously the person isn't talking to me because they're not directing the comment towards me. But for me, it's hard not to get in my own head about these comments. And to hear these comments more than once it becomes a point where you're like, oh, hold a minute. Is that what society thinks? I hope that people who are hanging out with friends, I'm hoping that the person can say confidently and comfortably that they are my friends. But there's always gonna be this little voice in your head saying, oh, is it, maybe it is charity. Oh, maybe they're not true friends. Maybe they feel sorry for me. And all these unhealthy thoughts come into play which is what Asha also spoke about in her voice recording. She also talked about something really important, which, which was how I'm confident in who I am. But what if I wasn't? What if I was younger? What if I recently acquired a disability? What if I was still trying to figure out who I am? The issue isn't whether these comments hurt me. The issues is that someone else hearing them might start believing them. Because comments like that don't just tell us what someone thinks about disability. They tell us what society expects disability to look like, and if you hear those messages often enough, it's easy to start questioning your own worth. Listening to both recordings, I realised they were actually describing the same thing. In one story, someone assumed I couldn't speak for myself. In the other one, someone assumed my friendship was a charity. Different comments, different situations, but underneath them is a similar assumption about what disability means, and I think that's why both of these stories are really impactful and important to discuss.

Final Reflections On Disability Myths

Sam 15:29

So my final reflections on this episode is my friends aren't saints for spending time with me, I don't need someone else to speak on my behalf. My disability isn't the thing standing between me and a good life. I've built a life that I genuinely enjoy. The comments themselves are all different, but underneath them is this idea that disability automatically means less independence, less friendship, less opportunity or lesser life. And honestly, when I look at my life, that's just not what I see. And that's it

Where To Follow And Support

Sam 16:08

for today's ride. Thanks for rolling with me. Make sure you're following A Wheelie Good Chat on Instagram for all the latest updates. And if you're loving the chats, don't forget to follow the podcast on your favourite streaming platform. Stay everyone, I'll catch you next time.